


I Should've Died With Her

by Shane_for_Wax



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Original Character Death(s), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 04:01:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6838270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shane_for_Wax/pseuds/Shane_for_Wax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shane Shepard prior to the events of Mass Effect 1, thinking about the events on Akuze. The commanding officer on Akuze is a pure original character.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. On Akuze

So many people looked down on Shane for being ‘street raised’. She was one of those kids you hear about who sign up with the military to escape jail time or premature death. Everyone knew it. After graduating boot, her DI threw one last salvo of verbal abuse at her, sneering about how her father must be proud. 

She was shuffled from unit to unit, the official reason being she picked fights. Rather, she defended herself. It was rarely reported on that classism existed in the military. Those with a 'real education’ sneered at her as they passed. 

She had been twenty-three and on her third unit change. She had been on her way back to her barracks when she was cornered by a couple of other female Marines. One shouted about how much Shane must’ve begged to be allowed in considering the criminal record she had (which nobody knew the full details of and more often than not it was simply stereotyping that happened to be true). The other remarked how Shane would be the first to die in a firefight. 

All the young Earthborn wanted to do was get back to her room. But it seemed the other girls had different plans for her. Shepard backed up against the wall of the building she stood in front of as the girls advanced, jeering and taunting her. 

“Hey!” an unfamiliar voice called out. All three heads turned. Shane’s eyes widened as she recognized the Commander rank on the woman’s collar. Oh she was in for it now. None of the officers she spoke to believed her despite being a young lieutenant. 

“What’s going on here?” the woman demanded, making her way over.

“Nothing, Commander Czarina,” the two other Marines said. Shane kept silent, gaze low. 

“Lieutenant Shepard?" 

Shane scrambled to straighten up, eyes snapping towards the older woman. It was then that she paused at the sight of her. Shoulder length red hair, tan features, a little taller than Shane herself was. And she didn’t look like a frail thing. But neither did she remind the former gang member of a bodybuilder. Shane, even at twenty-three, had heard of love but never felt it. But at that moment, she felt something more than grateful admiration for the older woman. Just by stopping a bit of bullying. She tried to ignore the feelings of infatuation. 

"Yes, ma'am?” Shane asked, voice almost squeaking.

“What is going on? And tell the truth, Lieutenant,” Dagmar said. 

Shane proceeded to explain. 

“You two, report to your CO. Shepard, come with me,” the Commander said once she heard the whole story. “And don’t try to dodge, I will be speaking to him personally,” she added to the two girls before they set off. 

By nine o'clock at night, Shane had been transferred to Dagmar Czarina’s command. 

It was the best transfer Shepard could have asked for. Czarina took Shane under her wing, guiding her and protecting her. The unit was a lot more receptive to Shane, despite her upbringing. They worked well together, going on multiple missions that finished almost perfectly. The unit earned multiple awards for their work. 

Before Shane knew it, they were being recommended for bigger jobs. They were shuttled off to Akuze to investigate a colony that had gone dark. They weren’t equipped with backup of any kind, making it wildly different from their other jobs. 

When Shane said 'see you later’ to Anderson, also a Commander at that time, she had never expected that 'see you later’ might have easily turned into 'good bye until the next life’. 

The young Lieutenant was on watch the night her life was flipped on its head. She had just gotten her best friend to leave so he could rack out. The Commander was asleep in her tent some ways from where Shane had taken up her post. Her gaze moved from the horizon, to sweeping the ground, then sometimes to Czarina’s tent. 

A light shaking made Shane pause. She looked down, then back up. It almost felt like one of the big garbage trucks back in Edmonton. It wasn’t bad enough to wake the others.

With wide eyes she watched as the ground under her bulged upward.

“What the fuck…” she murmured. A roar left the ground and the young Shepard scrambled backward, her hand going for her rifle. A creature resembling a worm erupted from the ground under one of the tents.

“Hartsock!” she shouted. She should have been asleep in that tent too. It went flying then dropped with a thud. What looked to be acid rained down, spat out by the creature. Shane fired the rifle in her hand. Others that had woken up at the roaring, fired their own rifles. 

Screaming erupted around the young Lieutenant as more acid was spat up. Shane ran as fast as she could to the overturned tent. She couldn’t find Hartsock’s body, alive or dead. Brows furrowed but she found herself thrown as another creature exploded from the ground. A loud cry of pain erupted from her mouth when she landed, resounding snaps like tree branches was heard. 

Sweat and blood poured from her, just as acid poured from the Thresher Maws. Shane got up, turned, and ran. They had little to defend against such monstrosities. Not even the weapons on their transports would do much against the pack of beasts. With a yelp she stumbled over a body. She looked back. Dead. No point doubling back. 

She ran to one of their shuttles, firing it up and accessing the minor weapons. It fired, though she wasn’t trained in the weapons systems– it wasn’t her job. A misfire. But then she recalculated. On the viewing screens she watched as a figure she easily recognized– spending months with a group of people would do that– limped its way along. 

“Commander!” Shepard yelled to no one before clambering out of the vehicle. She tripped over a weapon that had been dropped by one of the other Marines. Her hands clasped around her Commanding Officer and she guided her back to the shuttle to the best of her ability, firing behind her at the Thresher Maw, the creature she wouldn’t even know the name of until later on.

She shoved the older woman unceremoniously into the shuttle then hopped inside. The door closed. She could hear the Maws screeching, as if angry their prey were now locked inside a box. 

“I think we’re fine for now,” Shepard said. She paused as she felt something decidedly warm and wet on her fingers. She then looked over at the other woman. Shane felt bile rise in her throat at the gaping hole where Czarina’s middle should be. 

“You have to tell them, Lieutenant,” the woman said, coughing. Shepard shifted to move closer to the other woman’s side.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I will. I’ll tell them. I promise,” Shane swore, pulling her Commander into her arms, ignoring the blood. She didn’t care. She was beyond caring. The only thing she cared about was Czarina. The woman she loved. The woman she loved more than anything who was dying before her very eyes.

Blood dribbled into Shane’s eyes from a gash in her forehead. She had a couple broken ribs from being flung through the air by the Maw earlier. Acid had caught her shoulder and neck. She’d need treatment for it. But she didn't care. Her Commander was dying. The only person to treat her like a real human being was dying. 

A hand flung outward and she used a whip of biotic energy to trigger the homing beacon. 

“I’m sorry, Shane. You’re a good Marine. You always have been,” Czarina murmured, voice fading. She coughed up blood. Shepard felt tears blur her eyesight at the use of her first name. It was so rare for her first name to be used. 

“Please don’t talk, Commander. Save your strength,” Shane murmured, as cliché as it was. 

“No. You have to hear this, Shane. You are, and always have been, worth it. You are worth life. Life just keeps wanting to kick you. But the dog has to bite back, Shane. You have to bite back. Don’t let it keep kicking you. People will always want to use you and kick you. Don’t let them. Tell them what happened here and don’t let anyone forget it. Don’t let them tell you it was your fault. It wasn’t. It has never been your fault.”

“Commander, please! Czarina… Please. You have to save up your strength.”

“Shane, I am not going to get off this planet alive. You will. Not me. Remember everyone who died here. Use it as fuel. Use it to become the person I know you can be. And when you move on and have a command of your own? It will be the best unit the Alliance could ever ask for. You have the makings of a great leader. You only needed a push.”

Shane bit on her lower lip, choking out a sob. She hugged the older woman tighter, eyes clenching. 

“Thank you, Commander. Thank you for everything. I will tell them. I promise. It won’t happen again. I’ll find out how things went wrong. And… when I have a command of my own… I’ll do my best to make you proud.”

“Remember, Shane. We will see each other again. In the next life. I will be waiting for you in Summerland.”

“…Commander?” Shane frowned a little bit. She’d barely mentioned her religious views to anyone.

“Don’t look surprised. We’re more alike than you think,” Czarina said, chuckling then coughing up more blood. "Goodbye, Shane.“

"No! No no no! No, not goodbye! I hate goodbyes! Goodbye means you’re–” but it was too late. Shane swallowed thickly before burying her head into the older woman’s neck, sobbing.

“I’m sorry. I love you. I should’ve told you, damn the consequences,” Shane choked out. 

It took two days for the Alliance to pick her up, still holding the Commander in her arms. It took about that time to get back home. The entire time Shane did not speak. Did not look at anyone. The only survivor of an attack that never should have happened.


	2. The Interval

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For a while, Shane can't imagine why she's alive and her unit isn't. She contemplates joining them in the afterlife but words from her CO changes her mind. Suicidal thoughts, suicide mention, and drug use in this chapter.

It was so simple for people to say the same things over and over. “It wasn’t your fault”, “You couldn’t have known”, “They wouldn’t want you to mourn”. Platitudes got old. And, in Shane’s case, only made her feel worse about herself. 

Her experiences at the hospital had made her wonder what she did to deserve it all. They didn’t listen to her, they only injected her with more and more drugs. Insisted that her life before the military was the sole cause for the high dosages.

She couldn’t tell anyone of course. They wouldn’t believe her. She couldn’t even tell Anderson. He’d look at her with that pitying expression of his and try to tell her that it wasn’t as bad as she felt it to be. That some things needed to be done. She knew he only meant the best for her.

After being allowed to go home with him, Shane found herself sneaking out just like when she was a teen. She couldn’t deal with being in the house. The young Lieutenant didn’t believe her worthy of living in a nice, warm house. She had all but thrown out the anti-depressants the hospital had prescribed her. If she did throw them out, Anderson would know. So instead she faked taking them.

There were just some drugs she could not and would not take. There were reasons she didn’t take the mind-altering drugs. Nothing harder than pot. That’s the way it had to be. Her mind was precious to her. 

Shane knew the places to go to get what she needed. She wasn’t a Red anymore, but that didn’t mean the favors owed her no longer applied. There was honor when it came to debts, even if you didn’t follow the law of the land. So, she soon found herself in an underground bar of sorts. 

There, she paid for a bottle of whisky and a thing of pot. Once she had she found a corner smothered in shadows. Fitting, since her only company since losing her unit had been her own shadow. 

She opened the bottle then took a sip without much pomp and circumstance. She rolled a joint deftly then lit it. A few drags and for the first time in a while she felt moderately relaxed.

But that didn’t stop the thoughts. 

She had promised she wouldn’t blame herself, but it was so difficult. She was sure that when she got back from her medical leave the rumors and insults would start flying. “Nothing but a useless street rat” was a common thing she’d heard.

Her gaze fell to the table. She could feel the knife she kept strapped to her calf at all times. It would be ridiculously simple to take herself out of the world. No one would miss her. Well, maybe Anderson but he’d move on quickly. She was sure of it. 

Her hand hesitated near her leg. After a moment she extracted the blade. She studied it in the gloom of the corner. The young Lieutenant rested the flat of the blade on her arm. Not many people kept KA-BARs anymore. Not since the omni-tool allowed them to make a blade out of recycled materials. But Shane liked something solid, something she could keep on her. 

With a flick of the wrist, the knife flipped through the air. She grabbed it deftly by the pommel then chuckled, shaking her head. She stabbed the knife into the table then picked up the bottle she’d only touched a few times. A couple more gulps down the hatch and she sighed, leaning back. 

Shane bit her lower lip as a sob came out of nowhere. She buried her face in her hands, elbows resting on the table. 

Knowing how to kill others meant you knew how to kill yourself. Suicide in the military wasn’t rare. Still uncommon but not rare. And after everything Shane had gone through, it was easy to just break down and try to join your unit in the next life. 

_No. You have to hear this, Shane. You are, and always have been, worth it. You are worth life. Life just keeps wanting to kick you. But the dog has to bite back, Shane. You have to bite back. Don’t let it keep kicking you. People will always want to use you and kick you. Don’t let them. Tell them what happened here and don’t let anyone forget it. Don’t let them tell you it was your fault. It wasn’t. It has never been your fault._

Her Commander’s dying words was the only reason she didn’t do it. She’d made a promise. She wasn’t going to break it.

Her fingers trailed along the blade however, caressing it and almost stroking it. 

_But why do I get to live? I’m just… I’m nobody important. I’m a street rat. That’s it. That’s all. Nothing. No one._

The blade flipped and she pressed the tip into her skin. 

_Every single person who’s been in the military knows how to kill. They know how to take themselves out of the equation, too. It’d be easy. Simple. Everyone would move on…_

But she couldn’t. She had to live. Even if it was her and her shadow. For the sake of her unit. If she had to carry the stigma of being the last known survivor of the attack on Akuze, she would carry it and gladly. 

The blade slid home in its holster, only to be used to save her life, not take it.


	3. Posting to the Normandy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post Eden Prime musings on both Cerberus and Saren and how Shepard got to this point.

Shane still wasn’t sure if she was better. “Cured”. There was no cure for the official diagnosis that had been slapped in her file- PTSD. Normally she’d be kept out of battle. Given a desk job. But she’d fought that decision with everything she had. She needed to keep fighting. She needed to be on the _Normandy_ , dammit. Anderson had asked for her specifically. 

When she’d lost Jenkins, she felt everything flooding back. When Kaidan had triggered the beacon, she knew she wasn’t going to lose another. The glow that had surrounded her hadn’t hurt. And in a few spare moments she no longer hurt. Jenkins’s death was nothing compared to what she saw. 

She found herself sitting in her quarters. It wasn’t anything lavish. Her shadow was her only company as she sat in the dark. The only thing she had on was her terminal. The orange glow flickered on her face.

Everything she had worked so hard to achieve, to get over the deaths of her unit– there wasn’t any ‘getting over’ the death of something or someone…. The gap was still there. Hartsock was still dead. Czarina was still dead. Everyone was. She was the lone remnant of the unit.

A devil dog alone in the galaxy was dangerous. Little to live for except to do their dead unit proud. The dog was surely going to bite back.

Saren had picked the wrong person in the galaxy to piss off. He’d killed people under Shane’s command and that was an offense with a death sentence attached. She would offer no quarter, no mercy. After all, she’d never been given it. Her unit had been slaughtered wholesale. 

But, Saren wasn’t the only person who had done wrong by her. While trying to track down a missing unit for Admiral Kahoku, Shane found the source of her misery- Cerberus. 

The guardian of Hell. Fitting that it had made her life a living hell. 

The wolf would fight the three-headed dog. It remained to be seen who would win. But Shane would fight, she would bite. And she would avenge her unit until her final breath was exhaled from her lungs. 

As the terminal glowed, she looked up everything she could on Saren. On Cerberus. Her main objective would be Saren until she wiped him from the face of the galaxy. But there was no point being unaware of Cerberus. 

In the end, it would be decided which canine was stronger. And Shane would not allow herself to lose. To be weak. Not again.

_Never again._


End file.
